31 May 2010

Where Did The Night Go

Long ago the clock washed midnight away
bringing the dawn
oh god, i must be dreaming

time to get up again
and time to start up again
pulling on my socks now

where did the night go?

should have been asleep
when i was sitting there drinking beer
and trying to start another letter to you

don't know how many times i didn't write again last night
should've been asleep when i turned the stack of records over and over
so i wouldn't be up by myself

where did the night go?

should go to sleep now
and say fuck a job and money
because i spent it all on unlined paper
and can't get past: dear baby, how are you?

brush my teeth and shave
look outside
the sky is dark
think it may rain

where did the
where did the
where did the

-Gil Scott-Heron

25 May 2010

Going Anywhere

think i'll use the space inside
keep the words where they belong
no, i'll never write a letter, sing another lonely song

if the sky would fade to black
or disappear when you come back
'cause you left me in the city
where i stayed for far too long
oh no, i stayed for far too long

have you seen the shooting stars
while our silence filled the sky
the distance had derailed and i couldn't even try
to show i could be cool, ya know
to show i didn't care, ya know
to show it didn't phase me to be sitting with you there
oh no, not me
not me

keep the highway in your sight
count your change and watch the light
i can't imagine you are going anywhere
i was never here to stay
there's never been another way
i can't imagine never going anywhere
i'm going anywhere

felt the nightmare's 'un-event'
felt the poison drain out slow
saw your eyes when they were empty
found my hate and let it go

if the sky would fade to black
or disappear when you come back
if i broke you with my absence
you would never let it show
oh no, not you
not you

think i'll use the summer light
try to leave here feeling right
no, i will not save my grudges that i've sheltered out of spite

if the sky remained the same, ya know
i'd remember your name, ya know
you broke me with your trying, i would fade into the night

keep the highway in your sight
count your change and watch the light
i can't imagine you are going anywhere
i was never here to stay
there's never been another way
i can't imagine never going anywhere
i'm going anywhere

i'm going anywhere
going anywhere

-Allison Francis

Backspin

Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it

crushed, hit it too hard
been walkin' round the table without any regard
noticing the things that are important to me
but it feels good to be standing on my own two feet

Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it

honey, when i think of you
you go scootin' away with your heart on cue
and i see you flash a smile as you draw aim
but you're scratching up your life and collecting pain

Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it

god, not the father, not the son
just a trickin' little devil let's you know it is done
whispering sweet nothings into your ear
as you pick up your stick and swallow your beer

how did we get here?
what do you want?
just a shiny white ball that don't wanna stop

Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it

24 May 2010

Soldier of Love

Lay down your arms, and surrender to me
Lay down your arms, and love me peacefully

Use your arms to squeeze, please
I'm the one who loves you so

There ain't no reason for you to declare
War on the one who loves you so
So forget the other boys, cuz my love is real
Come off your battlefield

Lay down your arms, and surrender to me
Lay down your arms, and love me peacefully, yeah

Use your arms to squeeze, please
That's the way it's got to be

The words that you're usin'
Are hurtin' me bad
But someday you're gonna retreat
Cuz my love baby is the truest you ever had
I'm a soldier of love, that's hard to beat

Lay down your arms, and surrender to me
Lay down your arms, and love me peacefully

Use your arms to hold me tight
Baby, I don't want to fight, no war

Baby, lay down your arms, baby baby
Oh, please, baby lay down your arms
Cha cha cha

-Tony Moon, Buzz Cason

20 May 2010

Secret Garden

She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get
To that place where you can't remember
And you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

-bruce springsteen

19 May 2010

Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns

Chloe don't know better
Chloe's just like me, only beautiful
A couple of years' difference
But those lessons never learned
Did you know?

Chloe danced the tables in the French Quarter
She's always been given so I can't always make her laugh
But I'm proud to say and I won't forget

The time spent laying by her side
The time spent laying by her side
Dreams like this must die
And a dream like this must die
Dream like this must...

You ever heard the story of Mr. Faded Glory?
Say he who rides a pony must someday fall
Talkin' to my altar, life is what you make it
And if you make it death well rest your soul away
Away, away, yeah child

It's a broken kind of feeling she'd have to tie me to the ceiling
A bad moon's a comin' better say your prayers, child
I wanna tell you that I love you, but does it really matter?
I just can't stand to see you draggin' down, again
Again, my friend again, oh yeah

So I'm singing
And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that leaves me alone, yes it does
And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that leaves me alone

I used to treat you like a lady, now you're a substitute teacher
This bottle's not a pretty, not a pretty sight
I owe the man some money so I'm turnin' over honey
See Mr. Faded Glory is once again doin' time

And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that leaves me alone, yes it does
And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that, it's the kind that
It leaves me alone

Like a crown of thorns
It's all who you know
So don't burn your bridges woman
Cause someday...

And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that leaves me alone
And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that, it's the kind that

Baby i said com' on, com' on, com' on,
com' on
I said baby
Don't burn your
bridges woman

a.w.

a bridge to nowhere



walking in-between streets, bars, and bathrooms. shooting pool. concentrating on the feeling of the present. we were visionaries. we made love our focus. circling, repeatedly. conversing into the early morning air, the feeling of breath with a trickle of nostalgia burning the backs of our throats. we overcame our fears of each other and exposed our lives underneath streetlamps, gave up our security for freedom. what a tasteful moment. what this night was for. a choice. between fear and love.



the sun rises before our eyes and the fleeting feeling of understanding makes its last gasps heard. we marvel at the warmth, the light, the moment. and we realize we're crossing paths. but we can't stand on this bridge forever. bridges were made for movement, to travel across. yet we can use them for so much more. for stopping and wondering, and thinking aloud. for balancing between two points, to walk a tightrope. sometimes to fall. to death. bridges are places where sometimes things go to die.



a cure for sadness? maybe. a cure for pain? no. there is no cure for pain. we simply fall prey to the experience of pain. no drug, no feeling, no belief, no conviction, no god can cure pain. we feel pain, we have pain. we live with pain. and that is all. so live with it, and make use of it. mix it with your creative forces to make something beautiful. let the sun rise again in your life.

12 May 2010

Peace and Love

Found love (found ...?)
Saw my mistake
Broke walls of pain to walk again
I saw the dream
I saw the wake
We shared it all
But not the take

I took it all
I took the oath
I took it all
Til I had most
I took what's left
I gave it breath
I had it all once
I gave it back

e.v.

11 May 2010

conflict/ed

the reality of being cut-out, and cut off from her passionate desire ... it feels like the taste of the metallic-y beer she shared with me the other night. it rolls around inside your mouth, an alkaline sensation, your taste-buds working in a different way, dealing with the difference between the full, hearty hoppy flavor of an IPA and the cheap carbonated mixture of water and aluminum. how did this happen? i'm now at the point where understanding that question may only be out of curiosity ... but, no. if i'm being honest, i want to know how and why. did she ever love me? yes. does she still love me? only in a metallic way. do i still love her? yes. i'm working at falling out of love with her. i have to. for my own well-being. it doesn't make sense to pursue someone who doesn't want me. but what about love? if i love her, and i do, doesn't love push through and compel me to do things that may not have my own well-being in mind? but the reality, the metallic reality of her denial of me as her lover, sets in and reminds me that she has given me an answer. and the answer is no. she doesn't want me. she has spoken it to me, written it to me, but most of all her actions and non-actions have spoken volumes. i'm not a priority in her life. i come after scrabble and climbing trees. and despite what she says, she says she loves and cares, her actions are inconsistent with her words. but really, this is all from my perspective. it seems so confusing to me because of my love for her. and i forget when i'm thinking these things through that she is not conflicted about her lack of consistency; she no longer loves me the way she used to and it seems that to her my behavior is confounding. i imagine that from her perspective i seem a bit silly, loving her, wanting her, when she treats me the way she does. she said i don't love you. she said i was never her boyfriend. i treated her poorly for the first time and brought her past back into her life. i intentionally hurt her because i have been in pain for 2 months now. i wanted her to be in pain, because she didn't seem to be experiencing any, or at least if she was, she wasn't sharing that with me. she has things she needs to change if she wants to have and maintain healthy relationships with people. i think she even recognizes this, but she wants to live her fucking life the way she wants to fucking live it and she is not going to change for anyone but herself. that's not something the person i met 9 months ago would have said. the intense girl who asked me what i wanted in life. who asked me interesting questions. who so willingly shared herself with me. and as open as she was for 6 months, and as free as she was in sharing herself, she always kept a piece of herself hidden from me. parts of her i was not allowed to know. and now it's as if she is hiding her whole self from me. she accused me of being desperate, and she is right. i am desperate to be with her again. she knows what i want in life. i want love. and i felt that love with her. my experience tells me it was real. and now the closest i get to that feeling is when we sleep together. she wrote me a list. 10 years down the road, what will i have done? i can't be somewhere 10 years from now and look back and have any regrets about her. i have to know that i exhausted every avenue in pursuing her, in letting her know how i feel about her, because love deserves this kind of attention. i don't want to look back on my life and know that 10 years ago i fell in love and there was something i could have done to change her mind. but i know i can't do that. i can't change her mind. she is explicit in her desire to do what she wants, when she wants. and perhaps my love for her does look desperate to her, foolish to her. just as a beer goes flat after it's been left out too long, my love for her will dissipate as she continues to keep me at a distance. all this is to say, i suppose, a repeat of the conclusion i have already reached. i have to force myself to stop loving her in a romantic way. i'll always love her, for the rest of my life. that's just how i operate. i don't cut people off or shut them out. i know the pain of that happening to me, people have cut me out of their lives in the past. my own father. i won't do that to someone. i won't do it to her. i'm still in love with her, and she is not in love with me. what a weird fucking life. now i suppose i need to concentrate on not falling into complete cynicism; i'm already enough of a cynic. now pain is present in my life and it would be so easy to do that.

i love her.

04 May 2010

another day

feeling much better today. i made a simple realization: i am right and she is wrong. and there is nothing i can do to change her mind, so all i can do is move on. hard pill to swallow, but it's really the only way to go.

03 May 2010

being careful

it's hard not to think that every word that comes out of her mouth is complete bullshit. i try and keep aware that i may not be judging fairly, that whatever i hear or read is being clouded by pain. but then i return to her reasons, and bullshit is confirmed. and it makes every other syllable that she produces, in the lovely way that she does it, seem like shallow nothingness.

02 May 2010

fuck III

how do i not do what i want? i want to pursue her, i want to be with her. she doesn't want to be with me ... how do i not pursue her? how do i not want her? how can i go against my clear desire to want her, to want to be with her?

fuck II

fuck. i should be working on thesis revisions right now, but i can't stop thinking 'why?'. why doesn't she want me? i've received some answers, but they never answer that question 'why?'. i guess even if i did know why, it wouldn't improve my state of mind. i guess i just have to digest the fact of it. but fuck ... it is fucking painful to love someone, to want to be with them, and have them not reciprocate that desire. coupled with no clear reason why, my mind can't stop running and re-running everything about her through my memories. i can't focus on anything else. i am in love with her.

fuck

i am so fucking frustrated right now. i met someone, i loved her and she loved me back. now i love her, but she doesn't love me in the same way. i don't understand it. repetitive human condition. i'm part of it for the first time. art makes more sense to me now.