early edition

I remember the first time I ever had a philosophical thought. I was 8 years old, in the third grade. I was riding in the front seat of the family car, a light blue 1984 Datsun 200sx. My Mom driving, my two younger sisters in the backseat asleep. We were on our way to a weeklong family camp with the Arcata Nazarene Church. I remember driving out on the long, narrow, twisty highway surrounded by redwood trees and a clear star sparkling sky. Looking out the window, my head tilted upward I distinctly recall this line of questioning: is this real? Are the thoughts that I’m having really mine? Who am I? What am I doing here? … These questions came and went in an instant. At 8 years old they were suddenly upon me and I didn’t have the wherewithal to answer them. They passed somewhere into my consciousness to arise years later. But I do remember that initial moment when those questions first arose. Questions I assume everyone has asked themselves at some point, only to shuffle them away without revisiting them or recognizing their existence but ignoring the way in which struggling with these questions could effect their lives.

The Datsun 200sx. Our family car. Given to Mom by my grandfather. But I’ll talk about it more later. First some history.

I was born in Eureka, CA at St. Joseph’s Hospital. My birth was supposedly a rough one. My Mom was in labor for 72 hours before she got that big needle stuck in her back. I came out with a big bump on my head. I went in for surgery. There was a lot of fluid build up from all the pushing. I wore a big bandage on my head as a baby. I don’t remember any of this. My Mom was 21 years young, and I think my dad must’a been 21 or 22. I was their first child. Mom. She came from a Mom and a Dad. With an older sister and a younger brother. dad. He came from a Mom and a dad. My dad’s Mom was a prostitute back in the day and his dad was a customer. Never met him, never even knew who he was. So he had a step-dad. My grandmother on my dad’s side was a prostitute. I ended up purchasing services from prostitutes as an adult. How fitting.

My very first memory as a child. I must’ve been around 2 years old. It was a fight between my Mom and my dad. My Mom and I had just gotten home from the store. My dad was lying in bed. They were arguing. As they argued I remember having a pack of Big Red bubble gum in my hand. I walked up to my dad and gave it to him while his voice rose in volume and aggression towards my Mom. I remember him throwing that pack of Big Red at her. Screaming and shouting now. I began to look for the pack of Big Red. I ended up crawling underneath the bed, sure that it had gone under there. I don’t remember how long I was under the bed, but I do remember I stopped looking for the pack of gum and stayed under the bed crying. Their voices were angry. And just like that, that’s where the memory ends.

I never crawled as a child. One day I just started walking.

A sister comes. They name her Frances. It’s about that time that dad raids the bank account and sells both the cars to pay for his coke addiction. A divorce follows soon afterwards. But not before dad kicks the living shit out of Mom and puts her in the hospital. The next three years are a blur.

Mom gets re-married. Another sister comes. They name her Kathryn. We have left Eureka and moved south to Napa, CA. Wine country. 2 years there: enough time for dad2 to get into some debt with the drug-dealers across the street. Watching Saturday morning cartoons, Mom making me blue pancakes shaped like Mickey Mouse, and making Frances red pancakes. My room was also painted blue. A knock on the door. A man and a woman’s voice asking for dad2. He’s still asleep in bed. Mom tries to wake him, but he refuses to get up. Mom has padlocked the door and they are threatening to break it down. Mom calls the cops. The drug-dealers leave before the cops arrive. Later that night they return. dad2 isn’t home. I watch Mom confront them in the front yard. I stand up on the couch with my hands on the back of the couch balancing myself as I look out the window. Mom is engaged in some kind of dance with the drug-dealing lady. They are grabbing each other’s hair and moving in circles. The drug-dealer lady ends up on the ground. She gets back up and they are swinging at each other briefly before the hair-pulling dance repeats itself. The drug-dealing guy tries to separate them, but they are a tangled mess. The cops come back. Some kind of order is re-stored. No one goes to jail. dad2 comes back later that night. He has a gun. We (me, Frances, and Katy) stay at a neighbor’s house the next day. Mom pulls up in a Uhaul truck that evening with our house packed up. We drive all night to Grandpa & Grandma’s house in Arcata, CA. They meet us in the driveway with open arms.

moving stills

i still think about her everyday
i still want to be with her
i still wish i could wake with her in the morning
i still can't be with another woman

i still love her.

Where Did The Night Go

Long ago the clock washed midnight away
bringing the dawn
oh god, i must be dreaming

time to get up again
and time to start up again
pulling on my socks now

where did the night go?

should have been asleep
when i was sitting there drinking beer
and trying to start another letter to you

don't know how many times i didn't write again last night
should've been asleep when i turned the stack of records over and over
so i wouldn't be up by myself

where did the night go?

should go to sleep now
and say fuck a job and money
because i spent it all on unlined paper
and can't get past: dear baby, how are you?

brush my teeth and shave
look outside
the sky is dark
think it may rain

where did the
where did the
where did the

-Gil Scott-Heron

Going Anywhere

think i'll use the space inside
keep the words where they belong
no, i'll never write a letter, sing another lonely song

if the sky would fade to black
or disappear when you come back
'cause you left me in the city
where i stayed for far too long
oh no, i stayed for far too long

have you seen the shooting stars
while our silence filled the sky
the distance had derailed and i couldn't even try
to show i could be cool, ya know
to show i didn't care, ya know
to show it didn't phase me to be sitting with you there
oh no, not me
not me

keep the highway in your sight
count your change and watch the light
i can't imagine you are going anywhere
i was never here to stay
there's never been another way
i can't imagine never going anywhere
i'm going anywhere

felt the nightmare's 'un-event'
felt the poison drain out slow
saw your eyes when they were empty
found my hate and let it go

if the sky would fade to black
or disappear when you come back
if i broke you with my absence
you would never let it show
oh no, not you
not you

think i'll use the summer light
try to leave here feeling right
no, i will not save my grudges that i've sheltered out of spite

if the sky remained the same, ya know
i'd remember your name, ya know
you broke me with your trying, i would fade into the night

keep the highway in your sight
count your change and watch the light
i can't imagine you are going anywhere
i was never here to stay
there's never been another way
i can't imagine never going anywhere
i'm going anywhere

i'm going anywhere
going anywhere

-Allison Francis

Backspin

Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it

crushed, hit it too hard
been walkin' round the table without any regard
noticing the things that are important to me
but it feels good to be standing on my own two feet

Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it

honey, when i think of you
you go scootin' away with your heart on cue
and i see you flash a smile as you draw aim
but you're scratching up your life and collecting pain

Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it

god, not the father, not the son
just a trickin' little devil let's you know it is done
whispering sweet nothings into your ear
as you pick up your stick and swallow your beer

how did we get here?
what do you want?
just a shiny white ball that don't wanna stop

Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it
Gotta put a little backspin on it

Soldier of Love

Lay down your arms, and surrender to me
Lay down your arms, and love me peacefully

Use your arms to squeeze, please
I'm the one who loves you so

There ain't no reason for you to declare
War on the one who loves you so
So forget the other boys, cuz my love is real
Come off your battlefield

Lay down your arms, and surrender to me
Lay down your arms, and love me peacefully, yeah

Use your arms to squeeze, please
That's the way it's got to be

The words that you're usin'
Are hurtin' me bad
But someday you're gonna retreat
Cuz my love baby is the truest you ever had
I'm a soldier of love, that's hard to beat

Lay down your arms, and surrender to me
Lay down your arms, and love me peacefully

Use your arms to hold me tight
Baby, I don't want to fight, no war

Baby, lay down your arms, baby baby
Oh, please, baby lay down your arms
Cha cha cha

-Tony Moon, Buzz Cason

Secret Garden

She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get
To that place where you can't remember
And you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

-bruce springsteen

Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns

Chloe don't know better
Chloe's just like me, only beautiful
A couple of years' difference
But those lessons never learned
Did you know?

Chloe danced the tables in the French Quarter
She's always been given so I can't always make her laugh
But I'm proud to say and I won't forget

The time spent laying by her side
The time spent laying by her side
Dreams like this must die
And a dream like this must die
Dream like this must...

You ever heard the story of Mr. Faded Glory?
Say he who rides a pony must someday fall
Talkin' to my altar, life is what you make it
And if you make it death well rest your soul away
Away, away, yeah child

It's a broken kind of feeling she'd have to tie me to the ceiling
A bad moon's a comin' better say your prayers, child
I wanna tell you that I love you, but does it really matter?
I just can't stand to see you draggin' down, again
Again, my friend again, oh yeah

So I'm singing
And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that leaves me alone, yes it does
And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that leaves me alone

I used to treat you like a lady, now you're a substitute teacher
This bottle's not a pretty, not a pretty sight
I owe the man some money so I'm turnin' over honey
See Mr. Faded Glory is once again doin' time

And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that leaves me alone, yes it does
And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that, it's the kind that
It leaves me alone

Like a crown of thorns
It's all who you know
So don't burn your bridges woman
Cause someday...

And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that leaves me alone
And this is my kinda love
It's the kind that moves on
It's the kind that, it's the kind that

Baby i said com' on, com' on, com' on,
com' on
I said baby
Don't burn your
bridges woman

a.w.

a bridge to nowhere

walking in-between streets, bars, and bathrooms. shooting pool. concentrating on the feeling of the present. we were visionaries. we made love our focus. circling, repeatedly. conversing into the early morning air, the feeling of breath with a trickle of nostalgia burning the backs of our throats. we overcame our fears of each other and exposed our lives underneath streetlamps, gave up our security for freedom. what a tasteful moment. what this night was for. a choice. between fear and love.



the sun rises before our eyes and the fleeting feeling of understanding makes its last gasps heard. we marvel at the warmth, the light, the moment. and we realize we're crossing paths. but we can't stand on this bridge forever. bridges were made for movement, to travel across. yet we can use them for so much more. for stopping and wondering, and thinking aloud. for balancing between two points, to walk a tightrope. sometimes to fall. to death. bridges are places where sometimes things go to die.



a cure for sadness? maybe. a cure for pain? no. there is no cure for pain. we simply fall prey to the experience of pain. no drug, no feeling, no belief, no conviction, no god can cure pain. we feel pain, we have pain. we live with pain. and that is all. so live with it, and make use of it. mix it with your creative forces to make something beautiful. let the sun rise again in your life.

Peace and Love

Found love (found ...?)
Saw my mistake
Broke walls of pain to walk again
I saw the dream
I saw the wake
We shared it all
But not the take

I took it all
I took the oath
I took it all
Til I had most
I took what's left
I gave it breath
I had it all once
I gave it back

e.v.